"Out of difficulties grow miracles.” — Jean de La Bruyère

Pregnancy after a previous difficult or traumatic birth can bring a whole mix of emotions — and sometimes you can feel flooded with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty which can dampen any joy or excitement you may long to feel. You might find yourself panicking about how this birth will go, or worrying that history could repeat itself.

If you’ve experienced distress, loss of control, or trauma during your last birth, it makes complete sense that your body and mind are more alert this time. But what’s also true is that your previous experience holds wisdom — it’s helped you learn what matters most to you, what you need to feel safe, and what kind of support makes a difference.

This is where healing begins — not by ignoring the past, but by using it as a source of knowledge and power to shape a better experience this time.

Reflecting on Your Past Birth With Compassion

Healing from a difficult birth often begins when you allow yourself to reflect gently on what happened. This isn’t about reliving the pain — it’s about understanding your experience and giving it meaning.

Try taking some quiet time to think about:

What stands out most when you think about your last birth?

What felt supportive, and what didn’t?

Were there moments when you felt unheard, dismissed, or out of control?

These reflections aren’t about blame — they’re about awareness. The more you understand what contributed to your distress last time, the clearer it becomes what you’ll need this time to feel grounded, respected, and cared for.

Writing your thoughts down or talking them through with someone supportive can help bring clarity and perspective. Even acknowledging, “That was hard for me, and I want it to be different this time,” is a powerful step toward healing.

Turning Insight Into Empowered Action

Once you understand what you want to change, you can begin to put plans in place that help you feel calmer and more in control. The key is to focus on what’s within your influence — your environment, your birth preferences, your communication, and your support system.

You might want to:

Share your story early — let your midwife or consultant know that your last birth was distressing. You can ask how they can support you differently and what trauma-informed care might look like in your situation.

Request continuity of care — seeing familiar faces or being supported by the same team can make a huge difference in helping you rebuild trust and feel safe. This might not always be possible, but it is worth asking for this to be supported if possible.

Create a birth plan that reflects your emotional as well as physical needs — include information about what helps you feel calm, what language feels reassuring, and what you’d like staff to know about your past experience. Check out my How to Write Your Birth Plan Guide which will help you with this.

Discuss possible triggers — if certain sounds, phrases, or procedures feel difficult, it’s okay to name them so that your care team can either avoid these, or support you with them if they are unavoidable.

Prepare for what’s in your control — if complications arose last time, talk through what can be done differently. Perhaps additional monitoring, planning for specific support or interventions to prevent or manage complications effectively this time, or you might wish to choose a different setting or mode of birth this time.

Being proactive in these ways isn’t about trying to control everything — it’s about preparing your environment, your care team, and your mind so you can move forward with more confidence and less fear.

Recognising Your Strengths and Growth

It’s easy to focus on what went wrong last time, but your previous experience also revealed your strength. You’ve already navigated one of life’s most intense experiences — and you’re here, showing courage again by wanting to prepare differently.

You might notice that you now:

Have more knowledge about your options

Understand what kind of support you need

Have more awareness of what helps you feel calm, informed, and in control

You may also find that certain parts of your past birth — even small moments — felt good or empowering. Perhaps someone held your hand and made you feel seen. Maybe there was a moment of connection or relief that stayed with you. Those are strengths and memories you can bring forward into this new chapter.

Your previous birth doesn’t define you — but it can guide you.

Making a Plan for Emotional and Practical Safety

Creating a plan for your next birth isn’t just about logistics — it’s also about emotional safety. Feeling understood and supported can make an enormous difference in how your body responds during labour.

Here are a few ideas to consider:

Ask for a birth planning appointment with a mental health midwife or someone that is trained in trauma-informed care.

Use your plan to outline your needs clearly — whether that’s dim lighting, calm communication, or knowing that your partner will stay with you at all times.

If you’re having a planned caesarean, you can still bring in calm and connection — consider soft music, a gentle tone in the room, and immediate skin-to-skin.

When you approach your care team with honesty about what you need, you give them the opportunity to support you in a meaningful way.

Moving Forward With Hope and Confidence

Healing after a difficult birth doesn’t mean forgetting what happened — it means remembering with more understanding and less pain. It’s okay if some fear remains; it’s a natural response to wanting to protect yourself and your baby.

But alongside that fear, there’s also wisdom, strength, and hope.

You’ve grown. You know more about yourself, your body, and your needs. And with gentle preparation and support, you can create an experience that feels calmer, safer, and more connected.

Your past story matters — not because it defines you, but because it’s helping you shape the birth experience you truly deserve this time.