If the person you love is terrified of giving birth again, this guide is for you. What to say, what not to say, and how to show up in the way that actually helps.

You want to fix this. You can't. That's okay.

If your partner is frightened about giving birth again, your first instinct is probably to try to reassure them. To find the right words. To show them the statistics, or remind them that last time they coped, or tell them not to worry and that it will all be okay, but you’ve tried these things a thousand times and they just don’t seem to work.

You mean it kindly. And it doesn't work. And then you feel helpless, and they feel more alone.

Understanding why that approach probably doesn’t work is the key to actually helping.

Birth trauma isn't logical. It's held in the body and the nervous system, in a place that doesn't respond to reassurance the way other fears might. What your partner needs isn't someone to fix the fear. They need someone to sit alongside it with them.

That's a different job. And it's one you can do.

What not to say

'You'll be fine' / 'Everything will be okay'

Your partner's nervous system has evidence that things are not always okay. Telling them they will be doesn't address the fear, it dismisses it. Even if you believe it completely, hearing it makes them feel more alone.

'Last time you coped though/ at least you and baby were okay'

Surviving something and being okay with it are very different things. This statement can feel like a minimisation of how bad it actually felt for them, like the message is 'so you can cope with it again.' That's not reassurance, and it is often taken as additional pressure.

'Try not to think about it'

Trauma thoughts don't respond to avoidance strategies. Telling someone not to think about something makes them think about it more. And it closes down the conversation at a moment when they may have been trying to open it.

'Other people have it worse'

Comparison doesn't help. Trauma isn't competitive. Your partner's experience is their experience, and it's real regardless of what happened to anyone else.

What to say instead

'I'm here. I'm listening.'

Often the most helpful thing is the simplest. You don't need to have an answer. You just need to be present and not flinch when the fear is named.

'That sounds really hard.'

Validation without trying to change the feeling. This tells your partner that their response makes sense, which is what the research consistently shows people in distress need to hear first.

'What would be most helpful right now?'

Rather than guessing what they need, asking directly shows respect and gives them a chance to tell you what might help. Sometimes the answer is 'just sit with me.' Sometimes it's 'help me research doulas.' Sometimes it's 'I don't know.' All of those are okay.

How to practically support

Attend appointments together when possible.

Having someone with you at midwife appointments isn't just emotional support, it's a second pair of ears, a person who can ask questions, a physical presence that signals 'she is supported.' If your partner is comfortable with it, having you there can significantly reduce the anxiety around appointments.

Learn about what they're going through.

The fact that you're reading this article is already a step. Understanding that birth trauma is a nervous system response, not a personality flaw, and that supporting someone through it looks different from supporting other kinds of anxiety, genuinely helps you show up better.

Help with the practical preparation.

Writing birth preferences, finding out what support is available in your maternity unit, help to pack the hospital bag, support with preparation if this is something she is finding hard, these practical tasks can feel overwhelming when you're already anxious. Taking some of that load is a concrete and valuable form of support.

Look after yourself too.

Being the support person for someone with significant birth fear is emotionally demanding. You're allowed to find it hard too. You're allowed to need your own support. Please don't neglect that.

My Building Birth Confidence podcast has an episode specifically for partners, covering how to understand birth trauma, how to communicate, and how to prepare for the birth together. Free to listen wherever you get your podcasts.

With compassion,

Katie

NHS Mental Health Midwife | Perinatal Trauma Specialist